As one door closes....

Hello, dear bloggers,

Sorry I haven't written for such a long time - what can I say? 2018 has been a very challenging year for me, hence my long hiatus.

This time last year, I had offered for my youngest son's girlfriend to move in with us to escape a horrible situation that she was facing at home.  Me being the eternal rescuer          ( sometimes to my own detriment), I offered a place of refuge without hesitation as her situation had too many similarities to my own many years ago.  In other words, domestic violence. Little did I realise that my own mental health would take a serious dive.

As much as I became very fond of this dear girl, what I didn't take into deep consideration was the impact that her living under my roof would have on me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it because it gave me the opportunity to show her true, unconditional love - a love that she had never experienced before.  What I DO regret is that I should have put my own mental health first and laid down clearer guidelines, or boundaries. I thought I had, but I suppose I was so focused on providing her, and my son, with love and guidance, that I kind of got swept up in being "the rescuer",  a role that I now realise I took upon myself a long time ago.  Note to self: "Put your own mental health above all else".

A few months into this arrangement, my mental state began to take a serious turn, as did my physical health.

It all began with my feet and being a dancer, these two incidents were the beginning of my mental health nosediving.

 I had been attending Salsa lessons for over a year and having that social interaction on a weekly basis was far more important than I realised.

Around May, one of the kitchen drawers dropped on my left foot. The drawers are very old and very heavy, solid wood. It's a long story, but suffice to say that I thought I had broken my foot as it was very bruised, swollen and sore, but at that stage, I didn't get it X-rayed as I thought it would be okay.  (I just want to say, at this point, that this self neglect was the beginning of my mental health /anxiety playing tricks on my mind). It's strange how you can be sort of aware of something that's happening to you but you become accustomed to ignoring warning signs - a consequence of growing up with domestic violence.  You learn to ignore that little voice that something isn't quite right.

A few weeks after that incident, I was wearing a new pair of shoes to Salsa...needless to say, that was a BIG mistake.  I had advanced to the higher level and consequently doing lots and lots of turns, all on the ball of my right foot.  I ended up hurting my foot so badly that I could barely walk, let alone drive, as driving required my foot to be on the accelerator and even worse, the brake.  The diagnosis?  Sesamoiditis (inflammation of the two tiny bones in the Sesamoid, which is located under the big toe) and also Morton's Neuroma ( a non cancerous thickening of the tissues around one the nerves leading to your toes).  On the upside, I have learned quite a lot about feet! haha

As a result of all of this, dancing had to go so that my feet could heal. Unfortunately, not being able to dance seriously impacted on my mental health.

To cut a very long story short, this year had many, many downs, down into the deep valleys of depression, absolutely awful days filled with nothing but anxious thoughts, making my depression worse.  

Sadly, things didn't work out between my son and his girlfriend.  Despite all the challenges, and the trials, that I thought would finish me, I really came to love her and think of her as another daughter and I am really grateful to God for the lessons I learned during these challenges, and also for the opportunity to show this precious girl His unending love, mercy and grace.  They say that during a test, the teacher is silent, and there were many, many times when God was silent and I felt abandoned and so alone.  No one likes to be tested but it's necessary for growth, and if you don't, or won't, learn the lesson, it's repeated until you do.  Growing is painful but not as painful as staying stuck in the same situation, or mindset. 

So as 2018 draws to a close, and I reflect back on all that took place this year, I see God's hand on, and in, all of it.  

 

Here's to a better year and moving onto the next stage, which for me, is both exciting and scary because my baby will be moving out of home and beginning his new stage of life, while I move onto mine.  An empty nester.  My times are in God's hands.

Until next time,

 I am the Girl from Down Under xx