Life moves on...

As someone who suffers from mental health issues, it's your mind that you battle with the most.
Anxious thoughts lead to depression and depression can lead to ending your life. And I'm speaking from experience.
When you lose someone close to you, no amount of words can describe what you're feeling.  All you feel is a constant ache in your heart.

When you lose someone who was once a great supporter of your life, I have found that that ache is always there in varying degrees.  Being a single mother, as I have said before, is hard - really hard.
Add to that a lack of support and at times, it's unbearable.

My beloved Mum was my greatest support.  I would ring her every day and we would discuss a wide range of topics, I would pour out my troubles to her and she would not only listen, but would always offer words of comfort.  She was my rock, my constant.  Now that she is gone, time certainly does not ease the pain, or heal that pain.

I continually face challenges that I often don't know how to navigate.  And then I sink into depression.  I continually feel sad at not just the loss of my beautiful parents, but also at the broken relationship between me and one of my children.  I know that I have done all that I can and I am trying to reconcile within myself that knowledge.

At times, I feel angry with my first husband for forcing me into this life of single motherhood in the first place, but I also know that that kind of thinking isn't healthy.  I know full well that had he not walked out when he did then the marriage definitely would have ended further down the track because we were completely incompatible on every level.  He was selfish, controlling, manipulative, mean  and insensitive,  plus, he cheated on me, something that I will NEVER tolerate.  I know that we were only meant to be together for a season, but still, here I am, a single mother struggling.

I have recently started seeing a Psycologist and I believe that this will help me with all my issues, including all the grief that I have carried around for as long as I can remember.

I have been strong for too long and I know that admitting that you need help takes strength.

I can't change people.  I can't force anyone to love me.  I can't force anyone to do anything.  All I can do is help myself because I'm the one who has to live with myself for the rest of my life.

Despite my problems, I am always looking for ways to continually grow, to improve myself and be determined to not remain stuck.  Will I find the answers that I seek?  I don't know, but one thing is for certain, I am always striving to see the positives in every situation and not run away from things that could very easily take over and leave me feeling defeated.

Thanks for reading my blog.  The story of my life continues...

Until next time,
I am the Girl from Down Under xx