Children learn what they live...

     Children learn what they live  by  Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,
       He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
       He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
       He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
       He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,
       He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
       He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
       He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
       He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
       He learns to have faith.


As a woman who grew up with the first verse's way of life, through no intentional fault of my beloved parents, I was determined to raise my children with the second verse's attributes and values.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my parents very much and I am grateful and thankful that God gave me to them, but within the dynamics of four siblings, all of whom had very different personalities than me, there was a lot of hostility, ridicule, shame, and criticism, which also occurred at school.  My dear parents were oblivious to my sufferings but I always told myself that if I ever had children, the way I raised them would be the best that I knew how.


 You can't always protect your children from outside influences, but I was always very good at praising and encouraging them as much as possible, especially if they didn't receive this from others outside of our little family.

One such occasion, when my daughter was about 7-8 years old, she wanted to learn Ballet, so I enrolled her into a class with, unfortunately, a teacher who didn't show my daughter any patience with her often-fumbled ballet steps.  This teacher would instruct her young charges to perform particular ballet steps, and as my dear little girl was very new at this, she often made mistakes and was snapped at. Neither  of us knew the names of the steps or what the teacher meant when she instructed to stand in the  "first position".   But, we persisted in her lessons, mainly because I wanted her to learn the meaning of commitment, plus one of her friends also attended the classes. 

  At the end of the year, a Concert was to be held to showcase these little Ballerinas.  There was much preparation leading up to this event, as you can imagine.   I dropped my little girl off at the change rooms at the back of the venue and I took my son, who was about 3 or 4 at the time, and we sat in the audience with all the other families, of which there were many.  

My daughter performed beautifully and my heart swelled with pride, especially as she had been very sick during the rehearsals and consequently, missed out on a lot of them as well as several lessons.

At the end of the concert, I tried to make my way through the crowd, with my little boy in tow, as I knew that my daughter would be anxious for my collecting her, and I was understandably anxious as well.   I eventually found her, but it took longer than I anticipated. 

 At the end of the evening, the teacher handed out awards and certificates to almost everyone but my daughter.  I was heartbroken, as was she. The look in her eyes said it all.  Needless to say, she didn't continue with the classes after that night. 

  As a mother who continually feels for her children during painful and difficult moments, I made a Certificate both for my daughter and her little brother.  On my daughter's Certificate, I congratulated her on her beautiful performance, and on my son's, I congratulated him for sitting so quiet and still during his sister's performance!  I also gave my daughter a Music Box, with a little ballerina inside, happily performing a pirouette whenever the lid was opened, playing a beautiful song.  

She still has that Music Box, and the ballerina still pirouettes.

There is another value that I would add to the above poem, and that is how to teach your children, especially daughters, the value of dressing modestly and appropriately, and how to sit when you're wearing a skirt or dress.

My dear mother would always say to me when I was growing up "it is better to conceal, than to reveal" and never a truer word has been spoken.

I have always dressed modestly, I wear a petticoat if the fabric of a skirt or dress is see-through, I wear camisoles to conceal my cleavage, and with a very impressionable daughter watching me as she grew from a little girl to a woman, I am proud to say that she dresses with the same modesty and appropriateness.  We both dress very fashionably and classy, because my mother did as well, as her mother did before her, and so on and so forth.

Even when my daughter was a baby, I would put a pair of pretty pants on over her nappy if she was wearing a dress, to conceal it, especially when she was crawling.  I never allowed her, or my boys, to wander around in public in their swimming costumes, only at the pool or beach, and I never allowed them to dress beyond their years.  I always made sure they looked their best whenever we went out anywhere - making sure their hair was neat and tidy, dressed appropriately  and they always behaved with the best manners everywhere we went.  I could take them anywhere, and they would behave because they knew that  this was expected of them, and yes, there were consequences if they misbehaved.   My darling Mum had the same expectations of me and my siblings when we were growing up.

So, children really do learn what they live and whatever they learn, there are always far reaching consequences and I believe that it's up to us parents to teach our children, and to teach them  well, as best as we possibly can, because we are their first role models.  Being a single mother, the task is even more challenging, but, all the hard work eventually pays off.

  I see how each of my children are now, and I am so glad that I didn't give in, give up or just "go with what everyone else is doing because it's easier."  I set boundaries, and even though there were countless times I desperately wanted to relax those boundaries, the more they pushed those boundaries, the more I dug my heels in. Was it easy?  Definitely not, but, it has paid off.  Children need those boundaries because, even though they don't realise it, those boundaries give them security.

  One thing that I observe these days is that a lot of young parents want to be their childrens' friends, but those dynamics don't begin to change until the children are at least 20 years old..  Up until then, they still need "parenting"and to cross those lines too early only ends in heartache. I've seen it happen.  As I always say to my youngest, my job is "to guide, correct and teach."  Believe me, I know that it is very tempting to just be your child's "friend", but then when hard times come, and the tests come, it is very difficult to revert back to being the parent, because it just adds confused boundaries. 

I realise that a lot of people may see me as old fashioned, but to me, manners matter, dressing appropriately matters, setting boundaries matters. 

I'm glad that I stuck to my convictions.

Until next time,

I am the Girl from Down Under. xx